Phone Phreak...

These two incidents really happened where I work as an Administrative Secretary. Unfortunately it was the same guy each time. I'm so glad I work at an institution of higher learning...

Him: "Can I use your phone?"
Me: "No problem." (I hand him the phone)
Him: "Aren't you going to dial for me?"
Me: "Sure, do you want to talk to my Mom?"


Him: "Could you give me the phone number for John Brown?'
Me: "Sure. Don't you have the new phone directory in your office?"
Him: "Yes, but can you look his number up for me?"

Gray Matter isn't Gray...

So last week I had an episode of "my head is going to explode" and I ended up at the Dr. and then in the ER with blood pressure issues which pretty much sucked. Anyway, I got to wondering what it would look like if my head really did explode, and I had a vision!

Gray matter can't really be gray. I think it must look like lemon jello that has been thrown against the wall only it isn't sticky - maybe more snot-like in consistency. You know when you get those pre-approved credit card offers with the pretend credit card attached to the application? If you peel it off there's a dab of this goobery stuff that kind of looks like a big booger, but it's clear, right? Well, gray matter is kind of like that, but more yellow with air bubbles in it and less like mucus. Oh wait, like flubber, but light yellow. Can you imagine it?

Just wanted to share my revelation. Maybe I was just going toward the light.

No, I'm not on drugs either. I lied, yes I am...

For my Family...

"Hello, my name is Jeanne and I take Ambien."

"Hello, Jeanne."

You're kidding, right?

So... Last week Biker Dude and I went to see a Dermatologist 'cause we're getting old and wanted to get naked in front of someone we never met before. He went first and came out of the office with a spot on his earlobe that was pre-cancer and the Dr. had frozen it. He's had it done before on several spots and it was no biggie to him - he's such a stud.



Then it was my turn. The Dr. found several spots on my left cheek (yes, on my face -- no butt jokes). She gave me the option of using some potion that would leave me looking like a burn victim after three weeks, or doing the freeze thing. I told her to just zap me and get it over with. She said she saw 5 spots and would be done in a flash. This wasn't really too bad a procedure, but felt like I was being sandblasted by a zillion freezing little needles -- sorta stung, but I've been through worse. Here's was it looked like (sorry for those of you with a low gag reflex).

Mind you, this is on my left cheekbone and about an inch in diameter. It never blistered, but got darker each day as it scabbed over and looked pretty weird. The strangest part is the reaction I got from people around me. Some that I don't even know. I'd almost forget that it was there and then...

**

"Oh my dear, did you burn yourself with a curling iron?"

"Yes, FIVE times in a row!"

**

"Have your grandkids been face painting on you?"

"No, this is just a little splatter from the chocolate pudding I had for lunch, oops!"

**

"Wow, that looks just like a Panther Paw." (the Panther is our High School Mascot)

"Yup, big game this weekend!"

**

"What happened to you?"

"Oh, my son introduced me to the new fad of branding. Much cooler than a tattoo, don't you think?"

**

"What the heck is that?"

"Oh, I was down at McDonald's waiting very impatiently for my McFlurry and they had to Taser me!"

Why is it that people are so anxious to point out our obvious flaws?

I am a Slacker, therfore I AM....

In the world of Slakerdom I have risen thru the ranks to become High Priestess of Slack. Who knew I had such a talent? I have fulfilled a great dream -- to become more of a slacker than even I knew I had in me. If you dream it, it will come.

Do not mistake this for having unfulfilled good intentions for that is another level all together -- to have good intentions you must actually have thought up a plan of action.

Slackers don't do ANYTHING - I am fulfilled.

Kylander girls do lunch...

It's become a weekly tradition for my two sisters and I to go to lunch with our Mother. Every Monday our Mom (who just turned 89) and our baby sister deliver "Meals on Wheels" to local senior citizens and they come by and pick up my older sister and I - we work at the same place - and off we go! We have such a pathetic choice of places to dine around here that now we choose our eatery by the criteria of wherever there's a close parking space. Some lunches are enlightening, some are gripe sessions, and sometimes we just eat! It's a chance for us to catch up and touch base with one another and talk about our thyroids. Would I lie about something that important? Never...

The Karate Kid vs Wii Man...

Okay, so I'm well aware of the fact that since my "Gramma-cation" I have been a total slacker as far as the whole blogger experience goes. Nothing new there. Since spending that whole week in Pinehell I've done nothing but try to put out fires at work and be all things to all people - I can only be nice for short periods of time as of today. Whatcha' gonna do?

I loved spending so many days with my Trisha and her little fellas. It was heaven to me. I always learn so much from those boys. For example...

Karate Kid taught me that there are many rules in the sport of Karate. Did you realize that there is no yawning or farting allowed? Do you know that you need to practice every day and eat healthy and keep hydrated? (Which sounds quite profound coming out of the mouth of a 4-year-old). He also showed us that it's mind over matter for someone of his size and age to break a 1/2" board in half with his hand! Awesome. He also swims like a little fish.

Wii Man taught me more about Mario Smash Brothers than I ever wanted to know! He's an obsessed little machine when it comes to his Wii games, but did show me the art of graciousness when I accidentally beat him when he let me play the first time out! Trust me that I didn't know what I was doing because I can't even play Pac Man - I actually felt like he was a little bit proud of me. We also had some excellent late night chats. He asked me if I knew why he loved me so much. I asked if it was because of my sparkling personality - no. My beautiful eyes - no. My grey hair - no. It's because I'm so SHORT and he'll be taller than me soon! I told him when he can look me straight in the eyes, I'll give him $20. Gramma bribes are so great! He swims like a bigger fish.

Being with my girl is always a treat even tho' I'm not so sure we ever finished an entire conversation. I did get to take her out for dinner on her 9th anniversary since Jamison was out of town and we reminisced about her wedding day and all the preparations. Brought a tear to my eye...

I also got to fold clothes, read a book, sleep in, eat out often, and be a major slug. My kind of time away from home. Think I'll do it again next year and call it an annual event! Go Momma!!!

I've been tagged...

How to play this game of tag: Post these rules on your blog. List: 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 goals, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 random surprising facts about yourself. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names.

Just as a disclaimer -- Trisha thinks I'm a freak because I've thought about this too long and hard and now everyone I was going to tag has already been tagged except for one. Anyway, here goes...

JOYS:
1) My Grandkids. A true gift without measure. I've always laughed when I've heard that "Grandkids are Gods' gift for not killing your own children" -- but it's true! My favorite part though is when their parents say something that I'd said to them before, and they swore they'd never say it to their own kids, "don't make me stop this car". What a hoot!

2) Biker Dude. My best friend, my love, my partner in life. Even tho' somedays he bugs the snot out of me, he loves me in spite of myself.

3) My Parents. There is no doubt that I was blessed in this department. They taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. The importance of working hard to make your marriage work under any circumstance. The true meaning of in sickness and in heath. And most of all, they taught me that love is to be shared.

FEARS:
1) There is nothing worse than knowing that someone you love is in harm's way or hurting and there is nothing you can do to "fix" it.

2) Drowning. Stupid I know since I don't go near the water and I live in a pretty land-locked state, but that claustrophobic feeling of being unable to catch my breath gets me.

3) Living the rest of my life in pain. After 5 surgeries in 3 1/2 years, trying to figure out my pain threshold has been an extremely difficult thing for me. It's a daily part of my life and I'm sick to death of it. I wish it would just be gone.

GOALS:
1) To be skinny.
2) To be pain-free.
3) To do something wonderful that will always be remembered long after I'm gone.

OBSESSION/COLLECTION:
1) I became a collector of pigs, not my fault, thanks Mom. She gave me a pencil sketch my cousin did of a little girl herding pigs in the rain that I just loved and it snowballed from there. What should I begin to think when people see pig 'stuff' and think of me?

2) I have lots of good intentions - cross-stitch, crochet, sewing, scherenschnitte, and I'd love to start scrapbooking. I've rediscovered my love of reading (yes, I'm turning into a "Twilight" freak too).

3) I've collected lots of sarcastic magnets for my workplace -- love 'em.

RANDOM FACTS:
1) Each of my three children was born on Tuesday.
2) Each of my three children have the same initials.
3) I still have a few baby teeth (yes, in my mouth)!

Okay, so now I'm going to tag Kristin and any one else who feels the need to think this hard!

A Deck Worthy of Greatness...

Biker Dude has spent the last 3 evenings staining his deck. Big job, but he's always up to the task. It's not a huge deck, but big enough for him to handle. He always says it's really important to keep your deck in tip-top shape. You take care of your wood, protect it and it will give you great pleasure for years to come. He's gotten lots of compliments on his deck over the years and takes a lot of pride in it. Can't blame the guy, it's his DECK I'm talking about!

Positively pessimistic...

I saw a lady I work with at the store the other day and asked her how she was doing. "I can't complain", she said. What the hell I thought - I can ALWAYS complain (and quite often do)!